Hi dear Osho,
It was a good session today. Thank you!
Good because it steered up things in me that brought up new questions and new inquiries in my journey of love, sex and intimacy.
I left our session feeling frustrated, confused and a incomplete. But that’s not a bad thing. It was a good point for me to slow down and process some of the things we talked about.
Our conversation around “attraction” fascinates me. I’m a big believer in the law of attraction and know that what I broadcast I attract right back to me. But what you said today in our session made me want to explore more. You said that “what we attract is already in us”, and, that the questions of “What do I want to attract that is good for me?” is a question I don’t think I’ve yet to have asked myself. I suspect that I’ve attracted what I’ve been broadcasting unconsciously. I want to change that. I want to attract in a deliberate way and create my life from there.
I wanted to share some of the details of my journey towards love, sex and intimacy to help fill in the blanks in my story and to help you get to know where I’m coming from.
I hope you’re ok with me writing you outside of our session times. I’m serious about doing deep work with you and get the sense that your guidance, love and support will lead to major shifts in who I am in the world. I feel like we’re moving towards a deeper commitment in our work together so it felt natural for me to want to write you more.
My big awakening
My big awakening around the lack of intimacy and true love in my life lead to big changes. I ended a 17 year marriage to a man who was emotionally incapable of intimacy and left everything in my life behind to go on this journey of self seeking.
When it happened, the divorce took me to a dark place of loneliness and anxiety. What filled up that void was sex. Empty sex that only satisfied the hunger momentarily and never really brought me the joy and connection I was seeking. I was having so much sex that at one point I started exploring the possibility that I may be a sex addict. Sex was on mind non stop. I was seeking it in dark places with anonymous interactions that only left me feeling lonelier. This was a turning point for me. I found myself one night in a sex club in San Francisco, walking the dark corridors looking for the next encounter. That night, for the first time as I was cruising the room, I saw something new. I saw the loneliness, desperation and hunger in the guys walking by. I saw their sadness and their longing for connection. And then I realized that I’m not any different. That what I want is the same thing and that this was not the place I would ever find it in.
That night was the beginning of my inquiry into my own sexual habits and to how intimacy shows up in my life.
For the first time I asked WHY.
- Why do I seek anonymous sex in dark places?
- Why do I like and get so turned on by glory hole sex?
- Why do I masturbate so much? Why do I watch porn?
Questions I have yet to ask myself
I went back to my hotel room and typed all those questions into google. I was curious to see what would come back in response and what I saw, was pretty shocking. Every page and every link that came back pointed to sex addiction.
Me? A sex addict? No way.
I was curious enough to explore. A few days later, I found myself at my first twelve step meeting of sexual compulsive anonymous. I was surrounded by other homosexual men who were facing their own dragons and seeking healing. I learned that even though I was seeking intimacy, I was confusing it with intensity. What I was facing was an intimacy disorder.
Yet, I wasn’t convinced that I am a sex addict. I kept going to twelve step meetings for the following six months. I met hundreds of men who are stuck in a cycle of shame and darkness. I did the work the program dictated, I read the books and learned a lot. Yet, I didn’t find healing there. The dragons that were running people’s lives were alive and well and the twelve step rooms became a place to escape to, to hide from the dragon, to confess the shameful acts.
I don’t believe that identifying myself as a sex addict is a path to healing the problem I faced. I don’t believe that addiction is a disease as the 12 step program wants the world to believe. In fact, I don’t really believe in the concept of addiction. I think it’s a convenient term used to describe behavior and often time people hold onto that term as it helps them get an identity they can work with but at its core, i believe addiction is a myth. I believe that getting to a place where we feel like we are addicts only points at a disconnection from our inner being and only when we learn to trust our inner being and live our lives from that place, we don’t need whatever it was that we thought we are addicted to. It simply dissolves. And that connection to our inner being? That’s love. And that’s intimacy. And that’s what’s been healing me from the unhealthy behaviors I’ve engaged in for so many years.
The more I learn to open up, receive, be authentic, be true to myself, know what I want and be vulnerable, the less I seek anonymous sex, the less I watch porn (I stopped watching porn a few months ago and have not had any desire to watch it since). I think that’s pretty good progress.
Yet, I still need guidance. I want healthy sex in my life. I want sacred sex. I want to experience sex as an expression of love and intimacy, not a substitute. This desire has placed me at the leading edge of the homosexual world. I’ve become a student of sexuality and intimacy and the more I learn about myself, the more I see how dysfunctional the gay world is. How wounded so many guys are and how lonely so many of us homosexual men really are. I feel like my own healing and my own growth may be a catalyst to the work I am meant to do in the world. I am pulled towards this work. And I love it.
The point of me sharing this to you now (rather than getting into it in our sessions) is that I’m intrigued by the idea that I’ve attracted men into my life who have been closed and unable to do intimacy while at the same time I’ve created deep, meaningful, intimate relationships with woman. With men, sex has been the entry point and often times, with men who are disconnected from their hearts. Sex has been compartmentalized into a category separate from love and intimacy.
I suspect that as much as I love sex and have gotten really good at “doing” sex, I carry with me a fear that separates sex from love and intimacy. I’m curious on how to bridge this gap. I’m also curious why I am having a love affair with a woman where sex is not part of the picture. Part of me wonders if the universe sent Angi to me to teach me about true love and intimacy, to give me the safe space to open up, be vulnerable and show my true self and for sex to not get in the way. It’s could be a practice run at intimacy to get me ready to attract a lover who I can experience love, intimacy and sex in a balanced and equal way.
Until then, I’m curious as to where our work together can take me to. I’m looking forward to what develops. And, I have a request from you around *how* we work.
My request is that we allow more time for our sessions (one hour just doesn’t seem enough time to get to the core of things), perhaps two hour sessions and, that when we do speak, that you are in a location that is not so distracting (it was hard to hear you speak with all the coffee shop background noise today as well as you being disturbed and distracted in the midst of our conversation). Doing our work by phone can work for me if you are up for that. We can do skype audio without the video component which would make the connection smooth and undisturbed. Let me know what you think.
Another idea to throw into the mix is to meet for a retreat sometime in the future. I know the power of having personal retreats (I lead them for my clients) and would enjoy being on the receiving side for a change. A lot of magic can come out of a retreat. Something to think about and explore if you like.
How about we speak again next Saturday when you are in Mexico? It will be my Sunday morning in Sydney and could work well for me. I’ll stand by to hear back from you.