Inside the mind of Shy men Inexperienced With Women and/or Men
The examples I will share in the post for straight shy men are dedicated also for “shy gay men” due to same emotional issues.
In a world that prizes social behavior, can the shy gay man survive?
Our lives are increasingly massaged into a social existence. Some psychologists argue that we are social beings and thus interacting in group environments—and liking it—is sign of normal, adjusted behavior. Under this thought, the man that shies away from group behavior is seen as maladjusted, an outsider, loner or freak.
For gay men this is a dangerous cycle. I recently met a mother who spoke of her gay son’s Facebook habits. I don’t mind that he’s gay, she says proudly, I just don’t think he needs to put all of those pictures up on Facebook for the family to see. Like the office, there are rules to being cyber social that mirror what society considers normal behavior. Post a pic of your cat, your new apartment and your vacation in Cabo, just crop out your boyfriend because we’re not that type of crowd.
Dating advice is outside the scope of this site, with this article being a semi-exception. Over the years several women have written me to tell me reading this site has helped them understand the actions of a shy guy they were pursuing. With that in mind I thought I’d try to be even more helpful and write a whole article outlining what it’s like to be a man who’s really shy and inexperienced with women. At the end I give a few thoughts on what to do if there’s a shy guy in your life you’re interested in.
They’re really nervous around women!
Their central problem is that they’re just really anxious, scared, and inhibited around women.
Almost all men get somewhat nervous when they have to ask a woman out, or kiss her, or even talk to her for the first time. But when a guy is really shy his nervousness is at a level where it usually prevents him from doing any of those things.
It’s legitimately strong, not something where they can just take a deep breath and push through it. Sometimes this nervousness shows up as the physical symptoms of anxiety. At other times it’s more of a powerful, paralyzing hesitation. Like they know how they want to act, but an invisible force field is preventing them from doing so.
They can be able to “set them up”, but not “knock them down”
One problem that can plague shyer guys is that sometimes their nervousness doesn’t appear when they first meet a girl, but comes back to bite them soon after. Initially they manage to come off as calm and charming and make a good impression, but then fall apart when the stakes get higher.
The reason this happens is that when they first run into that woman she’s new and they haven’t had time to overthink things and attach any nervous feelings to her yet. They’ll come away from the interaction feeling excited and optimistic about where things may lead.
They’re nervous about asking a girl to hang out
Hanging out, going on a date, the idea is the same. Sometimes a guy will be able to talk to someone he’s interested in, often because the circumstances put them together, so the onus wasn’t on him to approach anyone. If they like someone they’ll often feel too nervous to ask them out and face the awkwardness and risk of rejection that entails. They may never ask them out, or put it off so long that by the time they do they’re well into the Friend Zone.
They’re nervous about making a move
They may have a blatant, all-systems-go opportunity where the girl is clearly interested, but they can’t manage to go through with it. There they are, sitting on a couch watching a movie with their date when the credits start to roll. She turns to face him, looking into his eyes expectantly. He returns her gaze and pauses for a moment, and a little longer, and a bit longer still… then he gets up and asks her if he can get her anything to drink. Afterward he’s kicking himself for being so spineless. He was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her all evening, and kept wondering if now was the right time to do it, but in the end he couldn’t pull the trigger.
One key fear guys have in this situation is if they’re sexually inexperienced they’re worried their embarrassing secret will be outed, and they’ll be humiliated. They may think something like, “I’ve never kissed a girl. I don’t know what I’m doing. What if she can tell I’ve never done this before?” Naturally they feel caught in a crappy Catch-22 where they need some experience to feel confident making a move, but they can’t feel confident making a move until they have some experience.
They’re insecure and hard on themselves about dating
When a guy is shy and not confident about women insecure thoughts often flow through their heads in an effortless stream; “I’m hopeless. I’ll never get better. I suck with women. I’m a loser. I’m not good looking enough. There’s no way that girl at work actually likes me. I totally screwed up with her the other day when I made that dumb joke. I give up.”
They have a mindset where they hope the universe to deliver a girl to them
A lot of what I’ve mentioned so far hints at this. It’s hard to explain, but almost unconsciously shy guys can have the attitude that in order to get a girlfriend the world has to send them one packaged in such a way that they won’t feel anxious or have to do anything that pushes them out of their comfort zone. They figure everything will finally work out one day when they stumble into a girl who naturally likes them, who they won’t have to take the initiative to talk to, who they won’t have to ask out, and who has the magic combination of qualities which ensures they never feel nervous around her.
I don’t think my shyness effects my sex drive. In matter of fact I think I have a high sex drive. I masturbate about 5 times a day. My confidence level effects my shyness not my sex drive.
An obvious lessons
Since you can’t expect a shy guy to do it himself, the best way to clear things up is to make a move of your own that forces him to give you a direct answer. If you’ve spoken, ask him out.
If you’ve already gone on some dates, ask him if he’d like to go out again. If he hasn’t talked to you yet, start a conversation.
It may go well or go nowhere, but if he seems interested, but shy and hard to read, then ask him out. His response still won’t necessarily reveal his motivations (he could be into you, but turn you down due to nerves), but at least you’ll be able to move forward.